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When a man walks into Lee Povey's men's group for the first time, he's often carrying decades of emotional suppression. For example, one member joined immediately after a family dispute that involved police intervention. He arrived emotionally shattered, but over four years of consistent participation, transformed his life. He received multiple promotions, rebuilt relationships with his children, and developed a healthier approach to co-parenting with his ex-wife.
What changed? He used his men’s group to learn how to listen without trying to fix everything.
As an executive coach and facilitator, Lee has witnessed countless men transform from being emotionally stunted to emotionally mature. That’s why I was stoked to have him join me on The Optimist. During our conversation, he challenged conventional ideas about masculinity while offering a roadmap for men seeking deeper connections.
What struck me most was Lee's observation about how we're failing young men. While women are encouraged to develop emotional intelligence from an early age, boys are often told to suppress their feelings. "Don't be a pussy" becomes a mantra that disconnects men from their emotional lives. Then, paradoxically, these same men are criticized later in life for lacking emotional awareness.
We also discussed the growing trend of women reaching out to me about their male partners' emotional unavailability. It's a complex issue - these women want men who understand emotions, but as Lee pointed out, many aren't prepared for what that actually looks like. When men do open up, their vulnerability can sometimes be met with discomfort or rejection.
Lee's approach focuses on curiosity rather than judgment. Instead of labeling behavior as "toxic masculinity," he prefers terms like "immature masculinity," which implies room for growth. His men's groups create safe spaces where participants can practice emotional awareness and receive support from other men who understand their struggles.
It’s clear from our conversation that the concept of being a "real man" is shifting. It's no longer just about physical strength or financial provision. Modern masculinity, according to Lee, is about showing up reliably, leading with vulnerability, and making others feel valued. It's about having the courage to say "I don't know" and the wisdom to ask for help.
What resonated deeply was Lee's gym analogy - emotional intelligence is like a muscle that needs consistent training. Just as we wouldn't expect to become physically fit without regular exercise, we can't develop emotional maturity without dedicated practice. Men's groups provide that training ground, offering a space where men can work out their emotional muscles in the company of others on similar journeys.
To hear my full conversation with Lee about the evolution of masculinity, the power of men's groups, and practical strategies for developing emotional intelligence, check out the latest episode of The Optimist.
Whether you're a man looking to grow, a woman seeking to understand the men in your life, or anyone interested in how we can create healthier relationships, this conversation offers valuable insights.
Listen to the full episode:
